We can evangelize or socialize. It all depends on whether you are saved or not.

Types of Romantic Relationships

There is so much controversy about the rights and wrongs of Christian dating, courtship, engagement and marriage. Where does the line of friendship cross over to infatuation? What is acceptable by God, the Word and the Church? Churches that take a nuetral position seem to see widespread liberalism on this issue and Churches that impose rules sometimes tend to be a bit controlling thereby opening themselves up for accusations of legalism. I have noticed that a sharp division within the Church exists because of the strong passion to believe one way or the other. Let's talk about some different relationship models that can aid friendship and romance yet at the same time maintain integrity to the purity that God's Word demands.

At age 43 and having been a born again believer for 25 years, I bring some ideas to the body of Christ to this dilemma that appears to be unresolved and unclear. The Church has been around for over 2000 years and somehow this world's influence on sex and love has had more impact on society than the Church of the 21st century. We as members of the body are all responsible for this shameful condition. We are so clear in our theology about baptisms and eschatologies but when it comes to the relationship between a man and a woman; the very image of Christ and his bride, we have fallen ridiculously short. I would like to define some of the different types of romantic relationships that currently exist within our society and from that base, see if we can bring a little bit of biblical order without throwing out the culture of the day.

ELOPING
-courthouse marriage
-getting a license to have sexual relations that is recognized by the church as well as the state
-parental and pastoral consent not necessary
-usually done out of impulse or lack of self-control

DATING
-an American custom
-non-committal romance.
-intention to marry not necessary but can have it
-no accountability required but encouraged
-most vulnerable for sexual temptation and if sexually active, it is usually secretive

COURTSHIP
-a Middle English custom
-friends who are attracted to each other
-hang out in group settings
-“wooing the girl”
-friendship with intention to seek a marriage partner
-can end at any time, no commitment
-high accountability
-no premarital sex allowed, including no physical contact (e.g. holding hands, hugs, etc.) “No hips, hands or butts about it.”

ENGAGEMENT
-verbal commitment to a marriage date
-no accountability required but can have it
-no pre-marital sexual contact of any kind allowed but vulnerable if no accountability
-based on your honor

BETROTHAL-
-a Hebrew tradition
-a contractual commitment to a marriage date signed by pastor, parents and couple
-a nonrefundable dowry to go toward wedding plans or the marriage
-requires a select accountability team composed of spiritual and/or biological family members/friends
-high accountability
-no premarital sexual contact of any kind, including no physical contact (e.g. holding hands, hugs, etc.) “No hips, hands or butts about it.”

DEFINITIONS

High Accountability:
-no private communications (e.g. phone calls, chats, notes, etc.)
-communication with one another in group settings and fellowships is permitted

At Spirit Life Church, we identify every romantic relationship for what it is. Even though we discourage dating, we realize that we cannot control people's decisions. We do, however, forbid it among leaders and those who are in leadership and discipleship training. Persons that refuse to stop dating or are in a sexually active relationship can make it right by eloping. For the most part eloping is very risky and does not involve a religious ceremony or much pastoral counseling but it does resolve the immediate issue of getting out sexual sin. Please keep in mind that any form of marriage does not resolve the problem of lust or fornication. Repentance is the only way to get rid of the spirit of fornication. Most of the time even periods of abstinence and focusing on God not the opposite sex is necessary for total deliverance. Unresolved lust and sexual immorality transfers into the marriage. Lust can never be satisfied even within the context of marriage. Only the blood of Jesus and walking in fellowship with the Lord can heal and cleanse anyone of sin. Marriage cannot. I have attached my sermon notes and a powerpoint presentation for your further studies below.

"Romantic Relationships" by Bobby Torres

"Infatuation"

"Altar Call"

"Give Me Your Heart" by Ashton Moore & Adam Gurley

"Sleeping Beauty" by Karla & Kristina Torres

"Courting vs. Dating by Bobby Torres

Tags: christian, courtship, dating, love, romance

Attachments:

Romantic-Relationships_1108_071908.ppt, 2.3 MB
Romantic-Relationships-072008-1036pm.doc, 55 KB
The_15_Tests_of_Agape.doc, 43 KB

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Shaanna Cortes on October 23, 2008 at 4:33pm

Im sure when I move to AZ I will meet them. Did I miss the betrothal teaching? I hope not, I look forward to learning even though Im so far away..lol.. U and your wife teachings touch on very good subjects. I learn alot from them. Keep up the good work... Take care

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Permalink Reply by Kevin on February 23, 2011 at 2:23pm

This was great and well needed. However, a follower in here noted that the gospel (bible) is not user friendly. This isn't a software product or new fidelic technology that requires itself to bend around the user but rather the user to bend around it.

I use to be catholic until a friend helped me become born again. As a grew more in intelligence and started doing my research, I was awestruck by how many of counterfeit Christians construct the bible around their life instead of their life around the bible. As religions and authors alike constantly strive to make a more "user friendly" version of the bible I, fear there is a straying of the original language and failure to understand its purpose. The bible/Gospel is meant to be studied, cross-referenced and understood by each Christian. Not to be left up to an author to interpret for us in as such we fail to seek answers on our own. It's overall goal to bring us closer to god in a personal relationship.

I would also like to add to your information from a personal standpoint that not only is there different types of romances but variations of love that may hinder each person from finding true love.

True Love

Passion

Lust

Infatuation (AKA puppy love)

Love of Companionship

Co-dependency.

Are all these love...I do not believe so but in our society today many individuals who do not hold tightly to gods teachings can mistake anyone of these categories as love or a form of love from a psychological perspective. I have a friend who was a virgin until he was 30 years old when he got married and proud of it. I am proud for him and wish I had been prior to mine as well. I learned a lot about heartbreak from women who were users the hard way because I was not close to the Lord. I thank him for waking me up because he helped me to find my wife and gave me two beautiful, giggly daughters.

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Permalink Reply by Sequoia on October 27, 2008 at 10:02pm

I am at the age where I am interested in dating. I never felt this way before so its very new. It doesnt bother me but I know when it does then thats satans games and tricks..because dating is an option in my life, not a priority. I do feel that I should talk with my pastor about me dating(if and when I do) bc I am running a dance ministry.

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Permalink Reply by Bobby Torres on October 31, 2008 at 1:21am

Hi Sequoia, check out this video about Courting vs. Dating.

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Permalink Reply by Diana Swartz on August 30, 2009 at 11:23pm

Wow. Well, I realize that this discussion was in 08', so I'm a year late, however, it was still timely (praise God). Some new perspectives that I've never heard and believe it or not answered some questions that I've had. God is good and He is never late, although I often think He is. Once again, He used Spirit Life and the teaching to speak to my heart. Thanks.

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Permalink Reply by Irene Nyambura on September 16, 2009 at 11:43am

Thanks for the resources.God bless you and your church abundantly.continue reaching out to young adults

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Permalink Reply by Bobby Torres on October 25, 2009 at 7:43pm

Check out this article on Glamour.com. Adam and Ashley, a couple that I married and members of our church at Spirit Life, saved their kiss until their wedding day. What a testimony to the world. Check it out at http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2009/10/this-cou.... If the link does not work then check out the attachment.

Attachments:

This Couple Waited to Kiss.doc, 404 KB

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Permalink Reply by Tia Mays on November 2, 2009 at 8:32pm

WOW! I really like this!

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Permalink Reply by Notta on January 12, 2010 at 4:46pm

As the mother of 5 daughters who will one day want to be married, I highly recommend the book Before you Meet Prince Charming: A Guide to Radiant Purity by Sarah Malley (all biblical references are KJV)

How can young people be committed to purity and to God's best? This guide to radiant purity combines the story of a young princess with solid, clear teaching of Biblical convictions that young ladies today need to grasp. Through a captivating fairy tale, modern day examples, practical instruction, and abundant humor, Sarah Mally challenges young ladies to turn to the Lord for fulfillment, to guard their hearts and minds, to identify and avoid the world's thinking, and to shine brightly in this generation. This book offers Biblical answers to every day questions and deep life struggles. Recommended for ages 12 and up.

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Permalink Reply by Bobby Torres on February 26, 2010 at 12:33am

Thanks Kimmie

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Permalink Reply by Roxanne Brooke Coldiron on October 29, 2010 at 5:17pm

Thank you for writing this!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Amanda hensel on December 16, 2010 at 2:23am

Hm. I've always had questions about what was acceptable by God as far as relationships / sex. This makes it more clear, but not fully.. I know my situation is not ideal by God, but I just had some questions from someone who knows the bible better than I do.

First off, does God care the age you marry, as long as it is genuine and intended for forever by both partners, and you are wed by a pastor?

I am 18, my fiance is turning 17 (young, I know) but we have a one month old son, yes, out of marriage..however, we have intended to get married from the beggining, very early on in our relationship, and having lived together from day one, we fully know that we are compatible lifelong, so marriage all the way!

Does God have restrictions on living together before marriage?

Anyways, we plan to not have any more sex until we are married, and not a problem since we both have no issues with temptation in that department. I actually planned our baby, and though it was wrong of me, now knowing him, I wouldn't change it for the world. The three of us are getting baptised very soon.

Our family is wonderful, unfortunatly that isn't usually the case for young parents, as 8 times out of 10, the guy ditches the family and the mother doesn't want to grow up. We're happy being parents and not going out partying (not to say we are better than anyone else, however..)

I was just basically wondering if

A) God has ideal/required ages for things like marriage, sex if married, kids if married, living together before marriage, etc, and

B) If by getting married and holding out sex until, we can make this having a child out of wedlock right by God, like almost fixing what we've done wrong?

We want to raise our son in a very strongly Christian family, but we still have a lot to learn, me more than my fiance, as he understands the bible more than I do, I need help with that.. it's complicated to me..