(A CHAPTER IN “TRYING TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD CALLED NORMAL}”

APRIL 9, 2007, TURNED OUT TO BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD TOUCH OR SEE MY FATHER. THE LAST DAY MY FATHER WAS ALIVE IN THE FLESH. I SAT WITH MY FATHER THROUGH THE NIGHT TO MAKE SURE HE HAD ANYTHNG HE NEEDED AND TO MAKE SURE MY MOTHER COULD REST. MY OTHER QUEST WAS TO HOPEFULLY GET SOME DIRECTION THAT I COULD LIVE WITH IN HIS ABSENCE. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY “A WORD TO LIVE BY”. NOW A YEAR AND ½ LATER, I REALIZE GODS PURPOSE WAS ULTIMATELY FOR ME TO HEAL AND TO GET THE MESSAGE. IT’S A MESSAGE SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE ARE MILLIONS THAT NEED TO HEAR IT. IN THOSE LAST 48 HOURS HE WOULD SAY REPEATEDLY “COME ON MAN TRANSITION”, “WHY CAN’T YOU TRANSITION?” IT SEEMED LIKE A CRY TO HIMSELF TO CROSS OVER FROM HIS FLESH MAN TO HIS WHOLISTIC SPIRIT MAN. TO STOP HOLDING ON TO HIS PHYSICAL PRESENCE SO HE COULD REALIZE (OR WALK FULLY) IN HIS SPIRITUAL PRESENCE TO OBTAIN LIFE AFTER DEATH, AS WE CHRISTIANS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOUGHT. AT SOME POINT I FULLY BELIEVE HE CONFRONTED DEATH AND MADE A DECISION. WITH PEACE AND WILLINGNESS TO LET GO, HE TRANSITIONED.

HIS DEATH LEFT ME WITH A HUMUNGUS VOID IN MY LIFE. I TRAVELED EXTENSIVELY AFTERWARDS FOR A WHILE THINKING THAT STAYING BUSY WOULD NULL MY PAIN, OR SOMEHOW WHEN THE TRAVELENING STOPPED THE PAIN WOULD HAVE TOO. THERE IS AN OLD CHINEESE PROVERB THAT SAYS, “THE GREATEST CARE FOR MISERY IS HARD WORK”, SO I WORKED HARD. BUT I WAS, AND REMAINED FOR MORE THAN A YEAR MISSERABLE, UNTIL NOW.
LET ME EMPHATICALLY SAY THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH.
WHEN THE TRAVELING STOPPED I WAS FACED WITH LIFE AND UNABLE TO LIVE IT. CONFRONTING THIS REALITY I WAS FORCED TO FIND OUT WHY AND MAKE A CHOICE. DO I TRANSITION OR DO I DIE WITH WHAT WAS NOW CONSIDERED DEAD.

I WAS THE VERY EXPRESSION OF HIS STRENGHTS AND, THE VICTIM OF HIS MISTAKES AND FAILURES. NEVER ABLE TO MOVE PAST THEM, I PRACTICALLY BUILT MY LIFE ON THIS. ONCE THE TRANSITION TOOK PLACE, I WAS LEFT FACING MY REALITY. THIS MAY SEEM STRANGE TO SOME. BUT, I’M BETTING IT IS VERY FAMILIAR TO MANY OTHERS. I HAVE HEARD IT SAID THAT “YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS CAN STOP YOUR GREATEST DESIRE”. WE SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON OUR WEAKENSSES NOT OUR STRENGTHS. OUR STENGTHS WILL TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

MY PASSION FOR LIFE, MY REASON FOR WANTING TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT EVERYTHING I DID, AS WELL AS MY DESIRE TO PROVE THAT I WAS MORE THAN JUST AN EPISODE IN MY LIFE WAS FUEL. YET WHILE THE FUEL PROMOTED A VICTORIOUS LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE, I REMAINED CRIPPLED ON THE INSIDE.
I USED THIS FUEL AS A CRUTCH TO SUPPORT MY THINKING AND MY HABITS. IT BECAME MY LIFE, MY WAY OF WHAT I CALL “TRYING TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD CALLED NORMAL”. I WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT. THE CHOICE BETWEEN A CROWN AND, A CRUTCH WAS MINE TO MAKE. THE LACK OF KNOWLEDGE DICTATED THAT I CHOSE THE CRUTCH. THOUGH SOMEWHERE IN MY HEART I UNDERSTOOD THAT MY STAINS WERE FOR ANOTHER MANS PAINS BECAUSE I WROTE THE SONG IN 1999. THAT WE ARE ALL A LVING SACRIFICE. THAT OUR BASIC REASON FOR BEING BORN IS TO DIE SO THAT ANOTHER MAN MIGHT LIVE “NOT NECESSARILY A NATURAL DEATH”. THE IRONIC PART ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING IS THIS FUEL BECAME THE NUCLEUS TO EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. THIS NUCLEUS FUELED MY FAILED MARRIAGE, MY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS AND MY FEAR OF SUCCEEDING. I QUIT EVERYTHING THAT I STARTED AND I WAS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED TO START. IT ALSO WAS MY FUEL FOR ADVANCING IN MY CAREER, AND TRYING TO BE PERFECT IN EVERYTHING I DID.

BEING RAISED CHRISTIAN, AND NOW A BELIEVER MYSELF, WE SPEAK OF HAVING LIFE AND THAT MORE ABUNDANTLY. THE BIBLE TEACHES THAT THE “MORE ABUNDANCE” THAT WE SPEAK OF IS NOT POSSIBLE UNTIL AFTER DEATH. A DIEING OUT IF YOU WILL OF ONESELF. SOME CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THAT THIS MEANS DIEING A PHYSICAL DEATH ONLY. WE’RE TOUGHT, THAT BECAUSE HE DIED WE CAN NOW HAVE LIFE AND THAT MORE ABUNDANT. YET WHAT WE HAVE A HARD TIME DOING IS DIEING OR TRANISTIONING.

NO ONE CAN MAKE THE CHOICE TO TRANSITION FOR YOU. IT’S IMPORTANT TO REALIZE DEATH IS RELATIVE. IT’S A REQUIREMENT AND IT IS INEVITIBLE. RELATIVE IN THAT IT’S NOT ALWAYS PHYSICAL. REQUIRED BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY WAY NEWLIFE CAN BEGIN AND, INEVITIBLE BECAUSE DEATH IS THE FOUNDATION OF LIFE. THERE IS A BASIC FEAR IN EVERY MAN OF LETTING GO OF THE CRUTCH (BRINGING DEATH TO) OR THE NUCLEUS THAT HAS BEEN ENABELING US WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HOLDING US BACK.

NOW ITS TRUE THAT THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY THE CASE FOR SOME, IT COULD JUST BE THAT YOU BUILT AN ENTIRE LIFE AROUND SOMEONE AND THEN THEY PASSED AND VIRTUALLY YOU ARE LEFT TRYING TO DISCOVER WHO YOU ARE, AND WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE. EITHER WAY, YOU MUST KNOW, THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH. EVEN A SEED MUST DIE BEFORE A PLANT CAN GROW. OUR REFUSAL TO LET GO OF WHAT HAS ALREADY GONE ON CAN KEEP US FROM BLOSSOMING INTO WHO WE ARE MEANT TO BE. WE WERE MEANT TO BE. WE MUST REALIZE THAT ULTIMATE LIFE CANNOT TAKE PLACE UNTILTHEIR IS DEATH.

Susan L. Kee,
I.M.P.A.C.T.
6/28/09