A not so typical day in the life of Ajuda Alwal

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I get up


I cry out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME LIKE THIS?

A year ago if I would've been in that same exact situation.... I woulda
done it and not even thought twice…..

Why, is what I wanna did even a big deal? I mean a lot of people in this
world do it....

I can't be the only one..........

Mtv tells me that I gotta be a certain way in order to prosper in this
world........ Then I realize John 3:30... "He must increase, but I must
decrease"......

But that means that I can't go out with my friends.... They'll think i'm
stuck up though... Now I don't want that perception..... I JUST WANNA
BE ME

Why can't I have fun like I used to? Go out with some friends and
drink.... It's just Alcohol, no big deal!

The questions didn't stop............

Why Me? Why have you planted this seed in me?....

I'm so undeserving of your grace...... Why didn't you leave me where I
was? ..... Sure I was struggling with a lot, but when I would fail I
didn't have to deal with a burden upon it.

Why am I so different than my friends..... Why do you constantly
antagonize me with pretty women? You know exactly what thoughts come to
my mind.......

Why did you make me chose to flee sex???? My friends are doing it, no
big deal! I mean there's birth control now days... and Condoms are made
better.
I don’t think you understand the age we’re living in…. I mean if I
wanted to I could look at porn right now….
I could even look at it while on the go with my phone….. Can you please
tweek the 10 commandments….. The temptation is killing me!

You know that I’d love to have a gf again. But I’m afraid that 'old
Ajuda' would come back..... I'd just be lusting right? And that's a
commandment too... a sin.......
I DON’T DESERVE ANY OF THIS!!!! I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS. All I wanted when
we talked was for my life to be at ease. I wanted to prosper in a way
that would make life fulfilling. I wanted my FAITH BACK. I wanted joy
again. I didn’t want to lose any friends. I didn’t want to feel like an
outcast.

I don’t think you understand…. How that makes me feel.
But wait……… I WAS THAT GUY.
Why do I feel outta place everywhere I go?
I walk around in the school halls and feel like a target.
I hear cussing and do nothing.
I see someone getting picked on and walk past.
I don’t acknowledge your presence.

What if there was someone needing to hear of your grace today and I
missed them?
What if there’s someone not wanting to live anymore? I mean I didn’t
before but now…….
What do I do? ----- I want to but……
I know that it’s more than just saying I’m a Christian… I have to show
it to! But Lord it’s not easy.
I try hard, trust me but……
I know that me just living this way doesn’t guarantee. Heaven or Hell!
Well then how do I know?
Will I go to heaven? Or will I fall short….
No, no, no….. I can’t think like that.

I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! I GIVE
UP! I GIVE UP!
…. I don’t want to GO B A C K…
Please don’t send me back to the way I used to live. I didn’t know the
purpose of life. I didn’t know that me living to please myself, it would
lead to destruction. I didn’t know that true joy can only be found
through you. Now I understand why I LIVE!

I understand that life is bigger than Ajuda Alwal.
As I lay comfortably in my bed, a kid in Africa is starving. War is
going on. Persecution does not sleep. Innocent civilians are tortured.
WHY?




I have one final question……

Will all of my friends on facebook make it to heaven?...
I’d give all I have, for that answer to be a YES.
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I wanted to write something completely real. I wanted to show how, my daily struggles….. Now I don’t intend to brag at all, but instead just
show that life is a PRECIOUS GIFT.
IT TOOK 19 yrs to realize this. I know that we like to do a lot of
things in secret, but remember God is always watching. Our conscious is
right there with him.